Dear Ansley,

You constantly amaze us with your "translation abilities"!!! We are constantly coming to you and asking what Zach has said because it is too hard to understand. Tonight you both had tried to sleep in the same room, but he was being too silly and we had to separate you. He went back to his room and was trying to tell me something and I just couldn't figure it out! I called daddy in and he couldn't either. So we knew we had to call in the professional-you!! You came in, Zach said it one time and you knew exactly what he was saying. He was trying to tell us that he wanted more light in his room, but that is definitely not how it sounded!

We are so thankful that you can understand him, or else we will be clueless a lot of the time :)

I love love love you!

Mama 

Dear Zachariah,

My funny little boy, you are so loved!

I am making a prediction right now. I think that you will either be a math whiz or your career will be math related. EVERYTHING you do somehow relates to numbers. It's crazy and I've never seen anything like it! You can already count and recognize your numbers, but what is the funniest thing is that when you see other shapes/letters/etc, they remind you of numbers. You love coming to me and telling me that "4+1=5" and I sure do love to hear it. You are so proud of yourself and I'm so proud of you too.

I am praying you do love math and that it comes easily because God knows that it doesn't come easily for me and I would never be able to help you with it :)

Last night when I put you to bed I said, "I love my boy". Your response was so perfect. You said, "I love my mommy." Be still my heart!!! I am so enjoying getting to spend "one on one" time with you now that Ansley is in school all day. I love you more than you will ever know!

I love love love you,
Mama

Dear Ansley

Your loving and sensitive heart never cease to amaze me. Today while we were driving home an "Amber Alert" came across the radio and my phone. You asked what it was so I explained that a child had been taken and no one knew where he/she was. I told you again that this is why we never want you to run away from us, because something like this could happen. I prayed right there in the car and I could tell your heart had been touched. I had asked you to get your laundry basket for me when you got home. But when we got home you said you would like to go in your room and pray first. I said that was fine :) I waited a few minutes and then went and stood outside your closed door. I began to weep as I heard you pray to the God of Heaven to protect this child and to help the child and the parents not be worried.  You were so sure that God would do it. You had so much faith. The kind of faith He tells us to have.

I've said before and I'll say again - your heart is a beautiful place. I know you are a sinner. I know that technically your heart is evil, but your heart is also full of love. I pray that never changes. Thank you for reminding me how to pray to my Father.

I love love love you,
Mama

Dear Ansley,

Your sweet and spontaneous prayers are such an encouragement and a challenge to me. I love hearing the prayer songs you learn, but more than anything I love to hear you "pour out your complaint before God." Sometimes they are simple "4 year old issues", but many times they are about things that I don't believe any 4 year old should have to even think about. I love your compassionate heart that would earnestly seek Jesus in all matters. When you wake in the middle of the night after having a nightmare, the first thing you ask me to do is pray for you. Baby girl, even I don't do that!!! I pray this never changes. I thank God for the blessing you are to me in so many ways.

I love love love you,
Mama

Dear Ansley and Zachariah,

Your Mimi loved Keith and Kristyn Getty's music. In fact it's almost all we listened to the last week of her life. Lyrics to one of their songs was also on the program for her memorial service. They write some of the most Spirit inspired music I've ever heard. I hope you both grow to love them as much as our family has.

That being said, Kristyn wrote a new song for her daughter called "A Mother's Prayer" and Poppy and I got to hear it live a few weeks ago. Beautiful music, amazing and heartfelt words. In fact, some of the words are things that Mimi prayed for you specifically even before you were born. Words that your daddy and I feel about you.

Before you close your eyes to sleep

I have a promise still to keep

As I hold you in my arms

I pray your little frame grows strong

And that faith takes hope while you are young

This is my prayer for you

Hold my hand, I'll teach you the way to go

Through the joys, through the years

The journey of these years

May you trust Him till the end

May you trust Him in the end

This world is not as it should be

But the Savior opens eyes to see

All that's beautiful and true

Oh may His light fill all you are

And the jewel of wisdom crown your heart

This is my prayer for you

Hold my hand, I'll teach you the way to go

Through the joys, through the tears

The journey of these years

He is with us till the end

He is faithful till the end

You'll travel where my arms won't reach

As the road will rise and lead your feet

On a journey of your own

May my mistakes not hinder you

But His grace remain and guide you through

This is my prayer for you

Take His hand and go where He calls you to

And whatever comes, seek Him

With all your heart

This will be my prayer for you

Father hear my ceaseless prayer

Oh keep her in your care

I love love love you, 

Mama

Dear Zachariah,

My little love, you made my day today!!

After getting disciplined for disobedience this morning I was able to reward you this afternoon for being super obedient. I love getting to reward you. It's just a reminder of how much our Father wants to reward us...and how much we must disappoint Him when we continue to go our own way. Anyway, after I told you about your reward you got so excited and started jumping up and down. Then you pointed your sweet finger at me and yelled, "that's my mommy!!" Little man, I gotta tell you...you have made my heart skip many beats in the past, but it was nothing like this. I know how it feels to be so unbelievably proud of your mom and that's what it felt like this morning...that you were proud I was your mommy. You made me feel so loved. I just can't even describe it. You do such a good job of making me feel loved, I pray I can do as good a job making you feel that way too.

I love love love you,

Mama


I have since realized that you were not saying "that's my mommy", but you were actually saying "yes ma'am mommy". That's ok though. I know you love me :) 2/26/13

Dear Zachariah,

You are the absolute light of my life little man. I wish I could put it into words. But it's just not possible. My heart is overflowing at the thought of you and your smile.

God has been showing me a lot right now through you and your sister. He taught me a lesson through her last week and through you this week.

Monday we were getting out of the car at Walmart. Like you ALWAYS do, you immediately reached up and took my hand so we could walk through the parking lot. You have no idea how much I love to hold your hand, but that's beside the point. As soon as you did it I thought, "why don't I do this with God every morning when I get up out of bed??" I would be so much safer and better off if I would just instantly take His hand that is reaching down to me. Thank you for being an example of complete trust. I pray that you will always trust me like that, but more importantly that you will trust your Father like that.

I love, love, love you.

Mama

Dear Ansley,

I learn so much from you each and every day. It truly amazes me. You have the most generous and loving heart...I am honestly convicted when I see the purity of your actions. Your heart is still so tender towards the loss of your Mimi. While it makes me sad for myself and for you, I am encouraged because I think just maybe you will always remember her. I pray that you do.

The other day you had kind of a boo-boo. Some skin had come up around your fingernail and it was snagging on things. It was hurting and I told you I would cut it off. You didn't want me to because you thought it would hurt. I told you that it would stop hurting once you let me cut it. In that moment I thought, how like God this is. I keep holding on to something in my life that is hurting me. He keeps telling me, "child, let me cut it off and the pain will go away." But we just keep living with the pain anyway because we are too scared to give up the control. I've been praying since then that I would stop waiting so long to let Him cut the pain (or whatever it is) out of my life. Incidentally, you did let me cut the skin off and you told me that I was right - it didn't hurt anymore. :)

I pray that in your life you will let the Father cut the sin(and pain) out immediately and not let it drag on. It's so much easier and less painful that way.

I love, love, love you.

Mama

Dear Ansley

Oh how the time flies...

I can remember like yesterday the day you were born. From my water breaking until you were put in my arms. I never thought I could love you any more than at that moment...

...a little over 4 years later - somehow it happened.

I cannot believe you have started VPK!!! It's just not possible. I must be living in a dream world of some kind :)

Your excitement about school has been so wonderful. You will learn that your mama isn't the emotional wreck that she used to be so this process hasn't really been as emotional as it would have been a few years ago. It's hard to think about you being gone for a few hours a day and yes I am going to miss having you around, but I am really just so excited for you and this new adventure. (next year though, when you are gone ALL day we will see if I still feel the same way :) ) You are such an energetic, smart and fun loving girl and I believe you are going to excel in a school setting.

I thank God for your sensitive spirit and kind heart. I pray that will never change. I thank God for your hilarious personality. You bring joy wherever you go and I'm sure you will take it to school also. Hopefully though you will learn to concentrate a little better than mommy did ;)

I love, love, love you so much Ansley and am so proud of you!

Your Mama





I just can't believe you have gone from this:

To this:

It still doesn't quite make sense :):)

Dear Zachariah,

My little man...words really cannot express the hold you have on my heart. Every day I understand more and more what I was told before you were born - that you would have a place in my heart that I could never believe. I said a while ago that God has used you as a "salvation" of sorts during this whole process. That is still so true. You have the most wonderful personality and your smile does something to me that there is no word for. I love to look at you and to snuggle with you (even though you don't like that very much). I love your sweetness and your obedience.

You are turning into such a little boy, new injuries every day! You've expanded my world so much and I am so grateful for you! I can't wait to see what God has in store for you...and right now I can't wait to see your big brown eyes in the morning :)

I love, love, love you.

Mama

Dear Ansley,

Some of the questions you ask just throw me for a total loop. I sometimes wonder how much you understand about Mimi dying. For a while you just accepted everything that you were told. It was very simple, Mimi was in Heaven. However, now you are starting to say things that make me think you are thinking more deeply about it.

Yesterday you asked if Mimi was at home with Poppy growing her hair back. I told you that no, she was at home in Heaven with Jesus. You thought a minute and then said, "but Poppy wants her to be at home with him." Sweetheart, that just broke my heart! I told her that yes he did and that I wanted her here too, but that God knows what is best and He decided it was time for her to be with Him. You seemed satisfied with that, but I just wonder what is going on in your sweet little head.

My sweet girl, you absolutely light up my life. Yes, you can be trying sometimes (being a "poophead") as you call it, but when you snuggle with me, when you giggle, when you are just "you"...it makes everything ok.

I love your sensitive, sweet spirit and I hope it never goes away!

I love, love, love you!

Mama

Dear Ansley and Zachariah,

Right now I'm listening/watching you both play together in Ansley's room via monitor. It's pretty fun getting to see how you interact when I'm not around. I love you both so much and I'm so grateful for you. I know I say that all the time, but right now I need some wonderful distractions and you two are definitely that!!

I love, love, love you both!

Mama

Dear Ansley,

You are the funniest little girl I know! You bring such joy to my life and I am so grateful for that right now. I love how you are changing and growing and I really wish your Mimi could see it all.

I am so proud of you and so glad God chose to give you to me. I am beyond blessed.

Thank you for your politeness, your obedience, your kindness and your helpfulness. You make my life a lot easier sometimes!

I love, love, love you!

Dear Zachariah,

How I wish your Mimi could see all the changes in you in the last month since she went to be with Jesus. You have begun to communicate so much better. You still don't say much (just "mama", "dada", "puh puh" (puppy), "ni ni" (nigh night), "buh buh" (bye bye)) but you are really starting to understand things and let us know what you need, which has been very helpful. You are such an obedient little boy too. People who see how well you obey are shocked.  I am so proud of you and I know your Mimi would be to. You are really starting to learn what you can and cannot do. Yes, you still test sometimes - but that's to be expected. Your sweet smile brings such joy to everyone who knows you and your willingness to go to bed amazes everyone! I love you so much little man and it breaks my heart that you will never know your Mimi and that she won't be able to see who you become.

I love, love, love you.

Dear Ansley and Zachariah,

I've missed you both so much this week while I was with Mimi before she went home to be with Jesus. I am so grateful for the people in our lives who are so willing to take care of you for me. I will always be grateful.

I am so sorry you aren't going to get to know the amazing woman your Mimi was. I promise I will try to teach you all of the things that she would have wanted me to. She loved you so very much and she prayed for you constantly.

Thank you both for bringing me such joy.

I love, love, love you both!

Mama

Dear Zach,

Mimi once told me that she believed God gave me to her in order to save her. Not talking the kind of salvation that only Christ can give, but " a Baby EMT" was how she described it. That I had "rescued" her. I remember crying when I read it and thinking how sweet it was, but not until now do I think I fully understand what she meant.

Right now we are in the process of watching your Mimi slip away from us. I wish you could have had the chance to know her. She loved you so very much. I am sad a lot of the times, but this is how YOU are becoming my salvation: when I look at you and you smile it is physically impossible to be sad. Honestly honey...I can just look at you and all of those feelings disapper. You have that effect on me and I'm so grateful for it. God's timing is so perfect and He knew the stage in your life you would be in at this stage in my life. He knew that you would keep me together in a time like this. You are one of the greatest blessings I've ever received in my life. I am so fortunate and so grateful that God gave you to me. Thank you so much for being such a wonderful little sweetheart who brightens some very dark days.

I love, love, love you!

Dear Ansley

You have been coming out with some of THE funniest things in the last few days. You just make me laugh so much :):)

At Gigi's the other day we were in the bathroom and you were going potty. I was about to leave and you so cutely (and not in a mean way) said, "mommy if you leave that will make me really really mad." And you did your little hand motions that you do, smiling the whole time. I kind of laughed, which made you laugh. You said it again a couple of times and then you said, "but don't worry - I won't spank you." Well, that just cracked me up. I composed myself and told you that was a good thing because you shouldnt eer spank adults. You responded with, "yeah, but sometimes I'm mad at 'dults'". I said, "it's ok to be mad, but you still need to be kind and respectful." You are just so honest and hilarious.

You have started referring to all shirts as "blouses" which cracks me up too.

Yesterday morning you were sitting next to Daddy at the island having breakfast. He was telling you how you need to stop crying at night and to go potty by yourself because you are a big girl. Again, with such a cute look and not "attitudey" way you said, "anything else?" and kind of gave a questioning look. Daddy and I both had to do everything we could to not just bust out laughing.

The other thing you say all the time is, "that's for sure". :)

You have such a great little personality. I am so grateful for it :)

I love, love, love you!!

Dear Ansley

I am so overwhelmed with love for you. I am so unbelievably grateful to God for answering our prayers where you are concerned. We (my mom and I) prayed that you would have a heart sensitive to the things of the Lord. And He has absolutely made you that way my sweet girl!

Yesterday you told Mimi that you didn't like it that she's sick. She told you that's why you needed to pray for her healing. So you in all your compassion asked her if you could pray for her right then...and then you did!!!! What other 3 year old does that??? You are such a wonderful example to me and I am so blessed to have you as my little girl. I just can't even put into words how loved you are. I am fervently praying that God answers your prayers...and Drew, Brady, Taylor, Anekah and all of your other friends prayers :)

I love, love, love you!

Dear Ansley,

Your tender heart is such a sweet little part of the person you are. I love how loving, concerned and compassionate you can be. It's just one of the things I love so much about you. I'm so sorry you are having to deal with my emotinal rollercoaster. I wish I could protect you from it, but it's just not possible. Thank you for caring about my feelings (and even my "boo boo's" :) )

I love, love, love you!

Dear Zach,

You definitely seem to be much more stubborn than your sister ever was. I can't believe sometimes how many times you will do the same thing over and over again...after you have been told not to (and had a smack too!) You are gonna be my tricky one I think. You've started to climb everything. Today I found you straddling the top of the couch!! It's adorable and I want to let you do it, but I know you need to have some limits :)

Tonight you were helping me clean up your Mega Blocks. It was so precious watching you squat down, pick up a block and put it in the basket. You then started picking everything up and putting it in the basket. It was so adorable...I could have watched you all night. And I LOVE that you are already helping me clean :)

I love, love, love you!